Thursday, July 21, 2011

Letters without the Pesky Stamps

Dear Cute Girl in the Skinny Jeans on the Flight from Salt Lake to Dallas,

Or should I call you the baby whisperer?  Our conversation was short, but you did ask my son's name.  You smiled at him and said, "It's going to be a great flight, Kaden." After which he promptly fell asleep.  For the entire flight.  I know you said you were once a nanny.  I can't afford to pay you, but maybe you'd like to fly with me every time I go home to visit family?

I look forward to flying with you again soon.

Sincerely,
A Mom Who Forgot How Sweet it is to Watch Her Son Sleep in Her Arms 



Dear Grandma on the Flight from Dallas to Raleigh,

Thank you for being a grandma and not a drunk Anthony Bourdain look-alike, who I feared might be a pedophile.  Thank you for letting Kaden peek out the window as often as he liked for the entire flight.  I hope you got to take your bra off when you made it home, as you told me that was what you were most looking forward to.  I can't wait until I'm old, so I can say whatever I want even in public.  You are awesome.

Affectionately,
A Bra-less Woman in Pajamas



Dear Man Who Was Waiting Outside the Airplane Bathroom When Kaden and I Came Out,

I'm sure you were wondering what we were doing in there.

Kaden had a wet diaper that had to be changed.

And then I popped a squat and nursed him right there in that closet of death.

I know it was rude of me to commandeer the restroom for my personal use, while you very well might have needed to desperately tinkle.  I'm sorry, but you try nursing a child in public who is violent while doing so, and refuses to be covered (while maintaining some sense of modesty and privacy).  It's not a pretty sight.  It was a full flight, and desperate times call for desperate measures.  In fairness, I kept it as short as possible and gave him a snack and not a full meal.

Apologetically,
A Milk Mama



Dear Heat and Humidity,

Go away.  I hate you. 
  
I think we all know that in the crazed stupor you are sure to induce for me, I will likely say and do things I can only regret.

Spitefully,
An Adopted Southerner Who Can't Take the Heat


Dear Weeds in My Front Flower Beds,

Are you serious?  Are you SERIOUS?  I know I've been gone for two weeks, but this is just ridiculous.  How did you possibly overtake everything in that amount of time?  Do you realize our yard is directly across the street from the best landscaped yard in the neighborhood?  How do you think your mess makes us look?

Enjoy your reign and pray that the heat wave from hell lasts, because as soon as it's over, you're over.

Sincerely,
The Gardener Who Seems Cursed to Encourage the Undesirable 

8 comments:

  1. I love your letters! Haha...so glad the flight was good. I totally understand about the nursing thing. There was a long while where Wyatt would not nurse covered, or if there was anything interesting to look at. Nursing in bathrooms is the worst! At least you didn't have someone in a stall next to you making baby scared by the loud toilet flushing! :-) Good luck weeding, I have also been avoiding that because of the heat. Some things just aren't worth it. ;-)

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  2. This is great! I am also an adopted southerner... luckily we have A/C in TN. I am currently in WA visiting family, and REALLY fear when I go back home on Sunday!!! I also have a few airport stories... about a 2 year old in the airport having a FULL meltdown because he was BEYOND tired. :) Glad you made it back ok, and I will pray for a break in the heat for both of us!!

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  3. An episode of unsent letters, a Katie classic and a definite favorite of mine!

    Can your baby whisperer come to my house and talk my baby into coming out soon? That would be awesome.

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  4. I loved this post. AND I love your new blog look--shows how long since I've commented! I am so happy the flights went well--the braless pj wearer one was my favorite :) Your writing style is such a pleasure to read.

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  5. oh katie, i adore you. my favorite parts were the baby whisperer and nursing in the airplane bathroom. thanks for the laugh this morning!

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  6. This post is hilarious! Katie you are so funny...loved the grandma who couldn't wait to take her bra off...reminded me of Nana. Sorry about the weeds...this heat is unbearable....go away. But we're glad you're home!

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  7. Your little letters are always the best. The one about the grandma was particularly funny.

    I too, am not looking forward to coming back to 100+ temps and humidity when I've been enjoying the lovely pacific northwest weather for a month.

    Alas.

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