Thursday, November 10, 2005

The Umbrella Conspiracy

Over the last year I have developed some serious issues with umbrellas. I can't seem to keep one, particularly one that works. The series of unfortunate incidents with umbrellas is so intense that I figure there has to be a greater force dictating my misfortune. Someone/something has decided to ruin my chances of ever having a normal relationship with an umbrella again.

The first umbrella tragedy occurred while living in London last fall. The family I worked for prior to my departure for the fabulous city gave me some very nice gifts to use while on my trip. One of these gifts was a titanium umbrella from R.E.I. This umbrella was not your average $5 find from Wally-World, this thing seemed capable of becoming the most fantastic umbrella I would ever own. It's tag boasted of being able to endure a million-mile-an hour winds (ok, so maybe a slight exaggeration, but you get my drift- it was nice) If someone had not bought it for me I would never have purchased it for myself, it was a pricey little number, but a very thoughtful gift (especially since I was headed for a rainy city). Unfortunately this umbrella proved less strong then my dear friend Stephanie's when we re-enacted a scene from "The Princess Bride" while visiting the castle where it was filmed. My umbrella did not survive the battle, and I was left umbrella-less on a most rainy day.

Soon after I purchased another umbrella to take on a weekend trip to Paris. It was expected to rain a great deal and I wanted to be prepared. I didn't test the umbrella before the trip, why should I? I figured an umbrella that was costing me nearly 30 American dollars ought to do the trick. It should work! It should shelter me from the rain! At the first sight of rain in Paris I pulled out my trusty umbrella, only to discover it didn't work, and it was not going to shelter me from the rain unless I held the latch in place the entire trip (which I was forced to do). Once again, the umbrella had deceived me.

My return to Provo has only re-emphasized my victim status in the umbrella conspiracy. After getting stuck in a down pour on campus I purchased another umbrella and have been carrying it in my backpack every day in order to avoid another catastrophe. This umbrella works, I tested it. Well, during a recent Provo rainy spell I could not find my umbrella ANYWHERE. I looked in my bag, I looked under the bed, I looked in all our drawers, I looked in the closet that hosts every other item in our apartment that can't find a home anywhere else- THE UMBRELLA WAS NO WHERE TO BE FOUND!!! In my moment of crisis the umbrella had abandoned me. I was devastated. I had tried to get the best of the umbrella by carting it everywhere, but the umbrella had still, ultimately, got the best of me. I was practically in tears as I marched to the bus stop in the rain- I had tried so hard, but it was to no avail, the umbrella would have the last laugh.

I decided I must have lost the umbrella somewhere on campus...well, much to my dismay I discovered my umbrella yesterday evening- in the BOTTOM of my backpack. I was horrified and embarrassed. I guess it was there all along...or was it? I still vote I am the victim here. The victim of the umbrella conspiracy.


  1. You poor thing. I ALWAYS lost my umbrella's on campus. One day I went down to the lost and found to try to get it...they have BOXES of umbrella's and I couldn't remember if mine had a silver ring around the black handle...or a gold ring...they won't let you take it unless you have a positive I.D. desperation and looking at all those boxes...which surely had my real umbrella in them, I made a fake-positive-i.d. on one that looked like it could have been mine. :) Oh Umbrella Heartache!
    p.s. I totally know you! Well...sorta, I think we've had classes together. That's so funny!

  2. I spent more money on umbrellas at the BYU bookstore than on books. I swear. The day I forgot one was the day it rained and I had to be on campus all day long. The topper was when I bought another one because I thought I had left it in a classroom, only to discover I had simply missed it in the bottom of my bag. And yet, 3 weeks later, both umbrellas disappeared. I think umbrellas have a vendetta against the world!


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