Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Letters in September

Dear Paper Gown at my OB-GYN's Office,

I recently got to don you during my six week postpartum visit.  After an unexpected change in my hubby's work from home schedule, I ended up taking my newborn to the appointment with me.  Let's just say that a screaming newborn, lactating mother, and paper don't mix.  It was just one more reminder that a woman, once she has birthed a baby, loses all sense of modesty and dignity.  I wish you'd been fabric instead.  Just sayin'.

Until My Next Yearly Indignity,

A Breast Feeding Mama

Dear Kind Secretary at my OB-GYN's Office,

Thank you for holding my screaming baby at the front of the office, so I could experience my exam room indignity with some dignity.  I'm so sorry that Everett chose the moment of your kindness to explode--leaving you and him covered in feces.  He has impeccable timing.  Thanks for digging through my diaper bag for a diaper, wipes, and new onesie . . . and for sending his laundry home in a bio-hazard bag.  Your ready smile after all of that tells me you really are a genuine angel.

With the Deepest Appreciation Imaginable,

A Woman Still Getting Used to a Baby Who Only Poops Once Every Two Days

Dear Moms Out There Who May be Contemplating the Potty Training of a Little Boy,

When you begin this process, here are some phrases, should your toddler speak them, that will likely strike fear into your minds and hearts:

--"But it's OK to go pee-pee now, because we're in the car!" (Said with a huge grin of knowledgeable pride.)

--"I feel pee-pee coming out!" (Said while nowhere near the toilet, or, my personal favorite, just as you're leaving the house with five minutes remaining to get to an appointment that is at least ten minutes away, while your newborn screams in his car seat.)

--"In my underwear."  (Answered when asked, "Do you feel like you have to poop, or have you already pooped in your underwear?")

--"I had a little accident."

Should your toddler occasionally refuse to use his step stool (as mine does) and instead squat while standing spread eagle on the toilet, you'll get a good laugh.  Try not to let him fall in.

In addition, be prepared for lots of newly discovered "fondling," since that bulky diaper is no longer in the way.

Yes, there are some drawbacks to this process, but there are some positives to this nightmare:

-- There's not much cuter than a narrow hiney in superhero underwear.  It truly brings a whole new meaning to the word adorable.

-- The successes outnumber the accidents, and number two in the toilet is so much more pleasant than number two in a diaper.

-- You have an excuse to stock your freezer with ice-cream as an incentive reward, and there's no reason why you can't indulge in an occasional late night scoop of your own.

-- Suddenly, you will feel accomplished yourself just for tinkling in the toilet.  Your toddler is sure to praise you for doing so, and suggest you put a sticker on your chart to celebrate your success.  A toddler's excitement is contagious for sure.

Lastly, there's something magical about watching your child acquire a new skill and seeing his face light up when he succeeds.  Even when it involves the commode.

Good luck and happy toilet training,

A Mommy Whose Son is on Day Four in Big Boy Underwear

Dear Raw Eggs,

I guess it's pretty clear we're not too worried about Salmonella poisoning around here.

Please don't let us down.


The Folks in the Family Who Think Beaters are Made for Licking

Dear Kaden,

On Monday when I watched Jamie snap this photo of you, sporting your Elmo backpack, I suddenly  realized that what everyone has been whispering in my ear since your birth is completely true:  I feel like I'm going to blink and you're going to be all grown up.

Monday morning was busy.  We started getting ready for Joy School as soon as you woke up, because it started at 9:00, and you, Mr. Independent with a capital "I," like to do every part of your morning routine yourself.  We still got there late, even though I'd planned to be early, since I was also picking up Mark's little sister to watch while his mommy was your teacher for the day. I spent the morning chasing Princess Mia (her yellow chevron bloomers making my heart think that maybe I still really do want a baby girl) and cuddling Baby Everett, and in a flash it was time to pile back in the car to come pick you up.

I'm so excited you get to spend time with your little friends three mornings a week.

I'm so glad you're going to learn and grow this year.

I'm so glad I get to be one of your teachers and watch that happen up close.

I'm so sad that I'm beginning to realize that the time is soon coming when you'll spend more time with someone else every day than you do with me.

The thought tugs at my heart strings and gives me a lump in the back of my throat.

Today we played "This Little Piggy Went to Market" with Baby Everett's toes, and then I did your toes, too, and you giggled and giggled your best little giggle, like you always do.  But your small, preschool-sized toes suddenly seemed HUGE compared to Ever's chubby newborn ones.

You are growing up so fast and changing so much each day.  I'm so very thankful for the chance I have to witness it as your Mommy.

I love you, Kaden Cub.

Hugs and Kisses,


My little Evers.  My Bugabaloo.  My Chubster McBubster.  My Rett Rett.

I adored you from the moment you were born, of course, but now I am really starting to like you.  It's so fun watching you grin back at me when I smile and talk to you.

Even at three or four in the morning (when you and I frequently end up streaming So You Think You Can Dance on Hulu, because you refuse to go back to sleep after eating), it's the cutest thing ever.  I just can't be mad at you when you're so stinkin' cute,  and your fat rolls are so delicious to snuggle.

You have me wrapped around your finger, little man.


1 comment:

  1. Love the letters. Can't believe she cleaned up a newborn explosion for you. That's a letter that deserves to be sent, that is a saint!


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