Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Stream of Consciousness

I wish I had a candle that smelled like fall.  I really think that would make me happy right now.  I know you can't buy happiness, but for me at this moment, happiness would be the scent of fall in a jar that I could spark with a lighter.  I need to put up our fall decorations.  It's finally cool enough for me to do it.  I'm sad that they weren't up for all of September, but it still felt too much like summer.  It's raining outside, and I love it.  We have had so much rain over the last few days.  I'm glad our house has never flooded, even during the biggest flood of the century that happened in Kinston.  There are flood warnings everywhere, and we don't have flood insurance.  I hate that sometimes excessive amounts of rain mean we might have an appearance of a cockroach or two.  I can't stand them.  I hope the one Chad killed two nights ago screamed a death warning to all his friends so they will be too frightened to come inside.  Kaden is sleeping.  Why didn't he sleep last night?  I am exhausted. Sometimes I don't know if I can make it another day as a mommy.  Now I feel like a horrible person for admitting that.  Then Kaden smiles, or coos, and I am in love with my job again.  Speaking of jobs, I don't want to go back to school. I have missed absolutely nothing about it.  Nada.  Nothing.  What if Kaden thinks Gigi is his mom when I go back to work?  I hate that health insurance is a necessity.  I hate that it costs so much money.  The TV in my living room looks so ghetto.  It was bad enough just chilling on the floor, but now Chad hooked up our rabbit ear antenna so he could watch the Boise State game.  It looks preposterous, but watching Oprah in the afternoon while I nurse Kaden is pretty amazing.  I might let its ghetto-ness slide for a bit longer.  What should I make for dinner?  I wonder if I have anything in the pantry I can mesh together into some kind of resemblance of a meal.  Trudging through rain to the store with a baby who may or may not be fussy, while carrying a car seat that is definitely heavy, doesn't sound too appealing.    I have my follow-up visit at the doctor's office on Friday.  I am guessing everything is OK, so she will probably give me the go-ahead to start working out again.  I am excited, because I know that's the only way I am ever going to fit into my pants again, but somehow going to the gym in a state of exhaustion sounds somewhat overwhelming to me right now.  It would probably help me lose weight if I stopped making desserts like lemon cheesecake tortes and coconut chocolate chunk blondies and consuming them in large quantities.  I get to see my family in nine days!  I am terrified about taking Kaden on the plane.  My biggest fears:  a blowout on the airplane, and trying to change that diaper (Where do you do such a thing?  In the plane lavatory?); a screaming baby who won't be consoled; finding an inconspicuous place to nurse in public (I am still very private about this.  I don't understand these women who can just pop their boobs out in public.  It is just awkward to me.  I know nursing is a natural thing, but still, it just weirds me out.)  I am sooooooooooooo glad Chad is flying with me this time, so I don't have to do this all on my own.  Chad is such a good dad.  Like an amazing dad.  I love watching him with Kaden, it is the sweetest thing in the world.  I need to dye my hair.  And have my bangs cut.  I have been having insanely crazy dreams lately.  I think it's because I'm sleeping in such short bursts.  Usually I remember my dreams most after a nap, and that's all I really feel like I do at night is nap until Kaden wants to eat again.  Here is my strangest one:  Bringing the biology teacher's snake home as a present for my brother, Jared.  In my dream I didn't bring the cage for the snake, just the snake.  The snake was a huge Boa Constructor, and was neon colored.  The snake clearly didn't stay in the corner of the house where I put him.  Then I was terrified trying to find the massive creature.  I kept looking for him in piles of shoes, and Chad kept telling me to go to bed.  What does this dream mean?  I think it means I deserve a new pair of shoes.  Heels.  Preferably sexy ones.      


  1. You have to go back to work? I know how hard that can be. I never got used to it - but I got to come home again eventually.

    Flying with a newborn isn't too bad. There's usually secluded spots to nurse behind the help desks at the gate. Or if you have a pump, you can take the milk with you. I found that extremely helpful when I flew with the girls last time (by myself). Though, they do shine lasers into the milk bottles to make sure you're not a terrorist.

    Also, usually there is a changing table in one of the lavatories on the plane that folds down from behind the toilet. I've had to change a blowout in my lap before because we were taking off - not cool. Now, I take two extra sets of everything when we travel. And children's Tylenol....long story.

    Oh, and nursing on the plane will help your little one's ears adjust to the pressure change.

  2. If you sit by the window and put Chad in the middle, you should have some privacy to nurse (cover and blanket included, probably). Good luck!

    P.S. New shoes, for sure.

  3. hahahaaa. Love the dream at the end. Way to figure out what it means. It DEFINETLY means you need sexy new shoes.
    I'm in one of those I'm-not-quite-sure-I'm-cut-out-for-this-mommy-thing. It's hard, isn't it? Thank goodness they're cute and have good moments too.
    As for the changing the diaper on the plane, lots of planes these days have changing tables above the toilets in the bathrooms on them. It's great, well at least better than before when they didn't have anything. As for nursing, yeah that sucks in public. Find yourself a corner, have your husband sit on the side not next to the wall, and cover yourself with a blanket. You can do it!
    And Stacy is right, nurse during the flight and you should be fine. The nursing will definetly help with the ears and pressure.

  4. This all sounds exactly like what a new mommy feels like. it will get better. I didn't know you were having to go back to work...that is no fun, but at least it sounds like you have a good babysitter! Good luck on the plane...i have never flown with children so i don't have pointers, but i have heard to make sure they are sucking on something during take off and landing. Also do you have a nursing cover? Best thing ever invented, so go get yourself one!! or make one...they have tutorials online. if you need me to i can get you the site that i used to make mine! good luck! and have fun with your family...take advantage of all the babysitting and take naps and go out on dates with your hubby!

  5. Bummer on going back to work! I too do not miss work
    AT ALL! I gave them my two weeks notice 4 1/2 weeks postpartum.

    I went to the store in the rain turned hail once...don't do it! :-) Groceries plus crying baby with a blow out in the rain = an adventure I don't want to relive.

    Hooray for visiting your family! Good luck with the flight. We haven't made it past an hour car drive anywhere.

    Also, the nursing covers Tiff is talking about are Awesome. I use mine several times a week in public, though I am still uncomfortable, it helps.

  6. I hear you on the shoes! I found the most beautiful pair of shoes in Italy and I was so tempted to get them. If they had been slightly cheaper I might have pushed it. There is nothing better than a new pair of shoes!

    Stacy gave some great travel tips! You will do great. I found that most people are really nice when you have a baby. A baby is a lot less annoying than a misbehaving child. ;-) Even when Alessia was so fussy on the plane to and from Seattle people just smiled at us and told us it gets better.

    As for nursing in public you can even try practicing now. Alessia is terrible at nursing in public so I try to practice at home what I would have to do while out on the road. She likes having the boppy and not being covered but those are not options while traveling.

    One thing I've found that helps me (because Alessia squirms soooo much) is I get ready and then have Rosario hand her to me and I just slide her under the cover. I used to try and do everything while holding her and that was awful. And I also do the thing were I have Rosario sit on one side and I also use the stroller to kind of block me in front. I'm generally self conscious about it but I honestly don't think most people even know what I'm doing.

  7. Definitely practice nursing right now! When I tried to nurse Kyle in public he was like, "What's this blanket?" and started batting at it instead of eating. I prefer the Aiden and Anais blanket over the hooter hider. And I'm like you, I hate nursing in public!

    I've pumped on a plane before! The planes are so loud no one could hear :). Oh and I have changed two blow-outs in a row before boarding the plane! So fun! Now I bring TRIPLE of everything. The changing table is always in the bathroom in the front of the plane.

    Oh and I'm not losing weight and I'm not eating desserts. My life is pitiful ahora.

  8. Fall candle = necessity

    Sorry about the insurance. Bummer.

    Every mom has had those thoughts a time or two. No worries.

    Yes, I believe you about the shoes. Get some good ones!

  9. I have most of the same advice as the others, but about thinking Kaden will think Gigi is his momma... not gonna happen! Ruston has been with his Nanny 5 days a week since he was 8 weeks old while we've been working, and even though he will gladly go to her, he KNOWS me and my husband, and as soon as we walk in, he RUNS to us with arms up ready to be picked up. It's a great feeling when you know they know who you are. Kaden will get like that once he can move... but he can already smile and let you know he knows you.
    I flew with Ruston by myself, so nursing was more difficult, but even if you think it's weird, people still understand! Nurse up and nurse down, or if he takes a pacifier, just make sure he has some sort of sucking action and he'll be fine. Ruston didn't cry at all up or down in the planes because he nursed each time, and even when he didn't feel like it, I just kept him preoccupied and he was fine.


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