Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Stream of Consciousness
I wish I had a candle that smelled like fall. I really think that would make me happy right now. I know you can't buy happiness, but for me at this moment, happiness would be the scent of fall in a jar that I could spark with a lighter. I need to put up our fall decorations. It's finally cool enough for me to do it. I'm sad that they weren't up for all of September, but it still felt too much like summer. It's raining outside, and I love it. We have had so much rain over the last few days. I'm glad our house has never flooded, even during the biggest flood of the century that happened in Kinston. There are flood warnings everywhere, and we don't have flood insurance. I hate that sometimes excessive amounts of rain mean we might have an appearance of a cockroach or two. I can't stand them. I hope the one Chad killed two nights ago screamed a death warning to all his friends so they will be too frightened to come inside. Kaden is sleeping. Why didn't he sleep last night? I am exhausted. Sometimes I don't know if I can make it another day as a mommy. Now I feel like a horrible person for admitting that. Then Kaden smiles, or coos, and I am in love with my job again. Speaking of jobs, I don't want to go back to school. I have missed absolutely nothing about it. Nada. Nothing. What if Kaden thinks Gigi is his mom when I go back to work? I hate that health insurance is a necessity. I hate that it costs so much money. The TV in my living room looks so ghetto. It was bad enough just chilling on the floor, but now Chad hooked up our rabbit ear antenna so he could watch the Boise State game. It looks preposterous, but watching Oprah in the afternoon while I nurse Kaden is pretty amazing. I might let its ghetto-ness slide for a bit longer. What should I make for dinner? I wonder if I have anything in the pantry I can mesh together into some kind of resemblance of a meal. Trudging through rain to the store with a baby who may or may not be fussy, while carrying a car seat that is definitely heavy, doesn't sound too appealing. I have my follow-up visit at the doctor's office on Friday. I am guessing everything is OK, so she will probably give me the go-ahead to start working out again. I am excited, because I know that's the only way I am ever going to fit into my pants again, but somehow going to the gym in a state of exhaustion sounds somewhat overwhelming to me right now. It would probably help me lose weight if I stopped making desserts like lemon cheesecake tortes and coconut chocolate chunk blondies and consuming them in large quantities. I get to see my family in nine days! I am terrified about taking Kaden on the plane. My biggest fears: a blowout on the airplane, and trying to change that diaper (Where do you do such a thing? In the plane lavatory?); a screaming baby who won't be consoled; finding an inconspicuous place to nurse in public (I am still very private about this. I don't understand these women who can just pop their boobs out in public. It is just awkward to me. I know nursing is a natural thing, but still, it just weirds me out.) I am sooooooooooooo glad Chad is flying with me this time, so I don't have to do this all on my own. Chad is such a good dad. Like an amazing dad. I love watching him with Kaden, it is the sweetest thing in the world. I need to dye my hair. And have my bangs cut. I have been having insanely crazy dreams lately. I think it's because I'm sleeping in such short bursts. Usually I remember my dreams most after a nap, and that's all I really feel like I do at night is nap until Kaden wants to eat again. Here is my strangest one: Bringing the biology teacher's snake home as a present for my brother, Jared. In my dream I didn't bring the cage for the snake, just the snake. The snake was a huge Boa Constructor, and was neon colored. The snake clearly didn't stay in the corner of the house where I put him. Then I was terrified trying to find the massive creature. I kept looking for him in piles of shoes, and Chad kept telling me to go to bed. What does this dream mean? I think it means I deserve a new pair of shoes. Heels. Preferably sexy ones.