Dear Future English Teachers of My Son,

I am not going to make a lot of false promises here.  I know the danger in pledging "my child will never."  I have been warned this phrase can come back to bite you.  Therefore, I will not promise that my child will always do his homework, or that he will never use Spark Notes as a last resort to understand early British literature, or even that he will never talk in class.  He will probably do each of these things.  For this I am sorry.

I can, however, promise you a few things:

My child will never use the f-word repeatedly in your class and then direct the f-word at you when you ask him to leave.

My child will never tell you to "get out of my face" and "mind your own business" when you ask him to put away his cell phone.

My child will never turn and walk away while you are conversing with him individually, trying to help remedy a problem situation.

Here's why I can promise you this:  I am an actual parent.  I understand that my obligations to my offspring extend beyond giving birth.  That means I am going to teach my son to respect not only his teachers but other members of the human race in general.  If my child ever does choose to behave in any of the ways outlined above, I promise you he will be afraid to come home. 

Sincerely,
A teacher who spent her planning period in tears, while filling out discipline forms instead of grading