Dear Silly Mother,

As your son's English teacher, I feel obligated to let you in on a little secret. Well, a few secrets, actually.

First of all, your son is obnoxious. On days when he chooses to skip my class, my little heart is secretly doing back flips of joy knowing that I will not have to listen to his rude comments. I will not have to hover over him, reminding him to do his work. I will not have to say things that really, only an elementary school teacher should have to say (i.e. "Stop staring at so-and-so" "Turn around, please" "No, you may not eat the glue" . . . OK, so maybe that last one was a bit of a stretch, but you get the hint . . . in all honesty, DID you let him eat glue as a child? Because that would explain a lot).

Secondly, your son is lying to you. He is failing my class because HE NEVER DOES ANYTHING!!! Not because he has turned things in and I have mysteriously "lost" his assignments. HE IS LAZY!!! Surprisingly enough, I am pretty meticulously organized. Pretty sure I'm not throwing his missing assignments into the recycling bin just for the heck of it.

Lastly, I hope you know that despite how much I really do dislike your child, it really is not affecting his grade. In fact, I have put forth a great amount of effort to make sure he has no idea of my utmost contempt for his personality. I swallow my witty and sarcastic comebacks that are on the tip of my tongue every time he opens his mouth (well, most of the time...), I say hello to him in the hall, and if he ever did an assignment, I would give him a grade he deserved.

I hope you will take this new knowledge into consideration before you email me again. Thank you so much. I wish your son the best of luck in his future loser life.

Yours Sincerely,
Mrs. High School English Teacher