38 Weeks and Counting

Funny Pregnancy Moment of the Week:

Ring, Ring.

JC Penny Lady:  Ya?

Me:  Oh, hi.  Is this the women's department?

JC Penny Lady:  Ya.  This is the women's department.

Me:  I just had a quick question for you.  Do you carry nursing bras in your lingerie department?

Long pause.

JC Penny Lady:  You mean feeder bras?  What you use to feed 'em?

Me:  I guess (trying to restrain a giggle) . . . that's what I mean?

JC Penny Lady:  Ya.  We carry feeder bras.

Me:  OK . . . thanks.

Explosive laughter after I hang up.

At this point in my pregnancy sleep has become a near impossibility (I guess this is preparation for no sleep when our little guy gets here), the looks I get at the gym are quite hysterical, the incessant heat has brought me to my breaking point, and someone has officially asked me if I'm carrying twins.

The pillow fort arrangement becomes more cumbersome by the evening.  In addition, The Saucer now frequently decides it is time to have a kickboxing session with Mommy's uterine walls after she wakes up to pee, which means falling back asleep after a trip to the bathroom is ludicrous.  I usually go sit in the living room and read for a few hours, and then try to go back to sleep after he calms down.

I have been spending at least 30 minutes on the elliptical when I go to the gym, and I'm still doing some light weight lifting as well.  I feel like death when I get up in the morning, and it's hard to convince myself to go.  After I do, I always feel so much better though.  I don't go every day, but I try to go at least four days a week.  I am kind of dreading the whole "take it easy" for six weeks following delivery thing, because I want to kick my body back into shape, but I will get over it I suppose.  Now that I'm getting closer to my due date I'm kind of petrified that my water will break while I'm on the treadmill, but if it does I guess it will make for a great story later. 

I cannot comprehend how something can still be constituted as a "heat wave" when it has not let up for 2 months.  Once, when we were first married, Chad and I watched The Silence of the Lambs on Oxygen.  Oxygen is kind of like Lifetime--it's a network with tons of shows that empower women.  Chad calls them "anti-men" because most of the made-for-TV movies that air on these networks center around a girl being anorexic because a man called her fat, a husband beating his wife, or something like that.  Anyway, back to the time we watched The Silence of the Lambs, during the commercial breaks (whilst I tried to forget about creepy lines like, "It puts the lotion on the skin, or else it gets the hose again), they kept advertising a show called  Snapped.  It was about women who reached their breaking point and killed their husbands.  Chad jokingly told me, "Please never watch that show!"  The heat in North Carolina this summer has made me snap.  According to one online weather report I read today, "Today should be the hottest day so far this week."  My thoughts:  ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?  Can it GET any hotter than it has already been this week?   It goes on to add"and more humid than what we had on Thursday."  My thoughts:  Nice.  So I can change my underwear three times instead of my usual two because I am dripping so much sweat.   Oh, but it gets better, because "There is a Heat Advisory in effect starting at 11am this morning lasting through 8pm this evening. This advisory is for dangerous heat and the heat related illnesses that could result from prolonged exposure."  I wonder if they mean psychological illness as well as physical . . .  "Heat Index values across the region could reach 110 degrees this afternoon. Be careful and make sure you use proper precautions when it comes to protecting yourself from this excessive heat. There are signs this heat will be with us through the weekend."  Oh don't you worry, Mr. Weatherman.  You don't have to tell me twice. I took this report quite seriously and have ventured outside only once today--from my back door to the garbage bin. 

And yes, someone indeed rubbed my belly yesterday with the comment, "For so long we thought you would never look pregnant!  And now?  Are you sure you're not having TWINS?"  A word of advice:  never, ever, ever, under any circumstances mention the word twins if you are using this to comment on the size of a pregnant individual.  Even if a woman IS carrying twins, a more appropriate comment might be, "Look how amazing you look! You're so small I can't believe you're having twins!"

I can only imagine what the next 11+ days will bring . . .